This is one of those weird memories; how i remember it now..…with more than one memory pressed together in my childhood bank of memory. That year when I couldn’t swallow..was it the same year as the “no dance lessons” decree? It seemed so… either way—it came together where I reveal my secrets. Tell me if it makes sense. Are there missing pieces of info?

But I Only Wanted Dance Lessons

Mother held fists full of tension

with perpetual hand wringing

made appointments on the phone

from the dark edge of her own abyss.

Tried to fix herself by fixing me

the year I couldn’t swallow

and had to chew and chew

until food was liquid

before it finally slid down my throat.

I asked for dance lessons on Wednesdays

She said, No

she didn’t have the time to drive me.

My friends were all shuffle-ball-change

tap, point, flex 2,3,4

in their patent leathers with cleats.

Instead, on Wednesdays I was driven

downtown to a dim office

where I sat on a couch

with a shrink (who eventually killed himself.)

I threw up on Sundays

got carsick on the drive across town

lost more weight

while the shrink prescribed

Librium for a ten-year-old

when all I really wanted

was to take dance lessons

wear a tiara, a tutu,

and tap shoes, all black and shiny.